For Starters

Everyone wants the perfect family. When people get married they have beautiful ideals in mind about how things should be. Maybe you even have some married couple or family in mind as you think about how you want your marriage and family to be.

The truth, however, is that life isn't always idealistic in even the very best of families. This is true simply because we're human and we sin. God, however, knowing how important family and marriage is to all of us (He's the one who said, "It is not good for the man to be alone..."), has given to us some commands and principles for happy family living. It is the violation of these principles, values, and commands that make families unhappy and/or break apart.

In other words, happy families come from keeping God's family values.

So, What's the Story?

For dating: It is such a simple principle that it might almost go without saying, but too many people never stop and use it and suffer with an unhappy family the rest of their lives-- "Start with the end in mind." That is to say, if you want the best marriage and family, you must begin with proper marriage prospects. "Proper" may differ slightly from person to person, but here are some things to think about:

Is this person a strong Christian? Will this person help me in my desire to draw closer to Jesus? Major red flag: "It would be good for him/her to marry me." Marriages of compassion or pity seldom work out happily.

Are we compatible? (personality-wise)

Do we have similar interests? (do we like some of the same activities, have the same tastes in music, art, movies, sports, weekend hobbies?)

Have we come from similar family backgrounds? (socio-economically)

Do we want the same things in family, career, money, aims, dreams, etc.? (future plans)

For husbands: Ephesians 5:21-33 contains one of the most comprehensive teachings about being a husband found anywhere in Scripture and it fits neither the "traditional" dictator style leadership that sometimes appeals to men nor the modern "sensitive male", "50/50" style of the feminist philosophy. Its guiding principle is agape love modeled for us by the self-sacrificing Christ and illustrated by Paul with the head and the body.

Indeed, it is true that wives should submit to their husbands in everything in the Lord, just like the church should submit to the Lord Himself. But husbands are not to abuse this authority through selfishness, pride, or hatefulness, because God will judge such sin. Jesus would never abuse His bride, the church, in such a way. And men would not abuse their own bodies in such a way. Indeed, sometimes the head makes demands of the body that the body may not understand and even chafe at, but the head would make these demands only for the whole body's good ("There's a dog chasing us!", "We've got to get this wheat in for the winter, so we can eat later in the year!", "We're a little overweight and need to cut back on the food no matter how hungry you think you are!"). Heading a household in this fashion seeks to serve (Eph. 5:21) one's wife and family with one's decisions rather that using one's wife and family as tools to make life easier, more pleasurable for one's self.

For wives: It means submission to your husband in the Lord, a very difficult command for some wives to obey. Yet, as long as one's husband is not telling us to do something in violation of God's higher authority, we have no more authority to disregard our husband's "commands" than we have to disobey the laws (as unjust or disagreeable as they may be to us--like paying taxes, keeping the speed limits, etc.). "But what if my husband is a real jerk?" What if the government is really unfair? What if your future children don't think it fair that you won't let them eat ice cream for every meal? The government and the husband and the parent must all answer to God for their stewardship of authority (see Rom. 13). Those under their authority are under obligation to simply obey, unless God's higher laws and commands would be violated.

But won't this make us wives a doormat? Yes, citizens of some nations are oppressed, and yes, some children have grossly unfair parents who may change their minds and go back on promises on a whim; but God will judge such rulers and parents...and husbands. And indeed this underscores why being careful about who you choose and why having a Christian marriage is so important. But it will never be so in a Christian marriage (see the section on husbands), because both husband and wife will seek to serve each other. The net result will not be a mere 50/50 partnership; it will be a 100%/100% covenant relationship. Without the basic values from the Bible in common that directs marriage, how a marriage will turn out could be anyone's guess.

Regarding marriage generally: Matthew 5:31,32 and Matthew 19:3,12 give the fullest teachings in the New Testament about marriage and divorce, and Jesus' basic teaching boils down to this: marriage is for life (a covenant relationship, Malachi 2:14) not to be dissolved under any circumstance except adultery (sexual intercourse with someone other than your spouse)--it is permanent. Lesser reasons such as "irreconcilable differences", "mental cruelty", etc. are not listed and thus invalid reasons for breaking this covenant witnessed by God. This only serves to emphasize once again how important marrying the right persona and being the right person yourself in marriage.

For parents: God has given to parents tremendous responsibility when He gave children into their care. Deut. 6 and 11 along with Ephesians 6:4 emphasizes the role of parents. But perhaps one of the best known and enlightening passages in the Bible to spell out a parent's task is Pr 22:6 where parents are told, "Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it." Training includes discipline, teaching, correcting, showing examples and being a model (in attitude, word, and deed), opportunities to practice what you've been told and shown, encouraging, loving, and helping--and even more.

For children: God has given to children the obligation to obey their parents in the Lord (that is, unless God's higher laws and commands would be violated)--Eph. 6:1,4. It is one of the original 10 commandments and came with a promise from God of long life (Ex. 20:12) and spiritual prosperity (Proverbs 1:1,33). In fact, repeated, unrepentant disobedience to one's parents was considered such a serious matter that the rebellious child could be stoned to death under the law of Moses (Deut 21:18-21).

Why? Because God wants to oppress kids? Of course not! But firstly, children are ignorant (without knowledge, not stupid), naive, inexperienced, and need direction and advice in what is right and wrong--eventhough they sometimes don't think so. Secondly, they need help, examples, and motivation in exercising wisdom, discretion, and self-control. Thirdly, they need protection from the evil schemes of others and from their own mistakes. Finally, they need to learn an important lesson that will apply to all of aspects of their future life--to obey and submit to authority.

So What?

* Why do you think these things would be important in a marriage partner?

* Is this person a strong Christian? Will this person help me in my desire to draw closer to Jesus? Major red flag: "It would be good for him/her to marry me." Marriages of compassion or pity seldom work out happily.
* Are we compatible? (personality-wise)
* Do we have similar interests? (do we like some of the same activities, have the same tastes in music, art, movies, sports, weekend hobbies?)
* Have we come from similar family backgrounds? (socio-economically)

* Discuss God's roles for husbands and wives for a perfect marriage. Are these roles outdated? Can any of God's truth be outdated? Have the modern roles for husbands and wives improved marriages and families? Are divorce statistics down or up since people began to follow man-made paths regarding marriage?
* Do you think that God is asking Christian teens to be "wimps" toward their parents? How long do you think that children are obligated by God to honor their father and mother?
* How easy or difficult do you think being a parent TO YOU is? In other words, do you think parents have an easy job trying to finish raising their children or do you think that teens have made it pretty hard? As a teen, would you want to parent a kid like yourself? How could you make your parents' job easier?
* You can see graffiti like, "Joe and Sue 4ever" everywhere. Do you think that love is a forever feeling? What does your observation of the marriages you know tell you? Of course some love seems to be forever, but other love fades; what do you think the difference is? How can you make sure that your love will be "for real, not fade away" (to quote Buddy Holly).